Those of you that have been reading my blog know that I started this to help people like me and their family and friends. Well early this week I got a message from a friend asking for my expert advice. I had no idea what they needed. I didn’t see the message for a couple of days, so I didn’t get back to them right away. I talked to them this morning. Come to find out they were trying to figure out if the might be non-binary themselves.
This was a surprise to me, because I would have never know this person had these feelings and would have never know that my blog might not be helping people in the way I was hoping. My blog might be helping family and friends deal with how to help non-binary people feel more comfortable, but is it answer someone’s question if they are non-binary or not. So I hope this will help some. If it doesn’t please ask questions in the comment section and I will do my best to get you the answers.
This person wasn’t sure if I identified at non-binary. They though my identity was just Meredith. This could be my own fault because I have never liked to give myself any kind of labels. That being said, I had to explain that yes my gender identity is non-binary, my pronoun is Meredith. This confused them a little more. They were trying to figure out if they were non-binary, so I asked them questions. My first question was, “what gender do you feel on the inside and what pronouns made them feel comfortable.“ They responded it depends on the day. They are always comfortable with he/him, but there are days that that doesn’t feel ideal. My next question, was are there ever times you feel comfortable with she/hers? They said no, they never go that far on the gender spectrum.
After talking a little long, I told them that they could be non-binary. My reason for that was because they would feel the very middle of the spectrum for a couple day. The thing they were trying to figure out, the most, was what gender label they needed to give themselves. I use the word “label” instead of gender identity, because it is complicated being non-binary.
Non-binary is an umbrella term I use to describe my gender identity. There are so many terms that non-binary people use it can be confusing for the general pubic. My true gender identity is agender. However, when I say that to people they think I’m saying ”a gender” or “agenda”. Someone that is agender is a person that identifies a not having a gender at any point of time.
Other terms people use, if they are non-binary, are genderqueer, gender nonconforming, bi-gender, and many others. So my simple answer to them was you don’t have to label yourself, just do what makes you feel comfortable. What I mean when I say do what makes them feel comfortable I’m talking about their pronouns not your gender identity. What my suggestion to them was to tell their partner on the days they felt ”middle of the road” and have their partner use the pronoun that makes them feels comfortable and validated. This is what I did in the beginning and it truly helped me be me. This isn’t advice from a professional, just someone that has gone through the process over the last 5 years.
Here is a link with some other terms and what they mean.
Thanks Jennifer, I really means a lot that you are sharing this information. If the gender fluid individual has any questions or anyone that you might now that needs help please feel free to reach out. Thanks again.
Shared with a young adult who is feeling genderfluid; thought they might appreciate hearing a little of your friend's experience like their own, as another expression of what nonbinary might mean. Will also share with the trans allies group I'm part of in MN, and recommend your blog to them overall. They're all parents of transgender children who range from preteen to adults in their 30's (and one of the founding sets of parents whose young adult child could not make it through the pain of the journey, whose legacy they keep alive in positive ways). Thank you, Meredith!